The Fatal Triangle

My mind likes to look for patterns in people’s behaviour. I suppose this is a skill acquired out of necessity when having to adapt to a different culture more than once It used to be that when you moved to a different country, you discovered that people valued, liked or disliked, agreed or opposed different ideas, habits or traditions. The majority also used to speak a different common language. Spotting the idioms, code words, expressions in fashion comes easy to me. They come and go once people are bored with them and are replaced by new ones keeping everyone entertained and focused on superficialities.

I am just an onlooker describing to myself what I see, and drawing conclusions about the current Zeitgeist.

Presently, I might be fixated on seeing a nail everywhere while holding a hammer. Or, perhaps my interpretation of what I see is flawed and missing context. So, I am putting it out there for debate. You know, the lost art of discussing ideas?

Everywhere you go to these days, everyone you speak to, everything you listen to one can’t help but notice the atmosphere of fear, insecurity and anxiety around as well as the utter lack of more than two topics of acceptable conversation if you manage to engage in one. Whatever falsity one might utter, it has to be met with acceptance, tolerance and as a piece in the plethora of possible and therefore acceptable “truths on a spectrum” out there. This is because, no matter how ignorant, one is entitled to their opinion. Opinions are now on the same level as rights, (earned) privileges and real knowledge. Why then, in such a wonderful culture of extreme tolerance for any extremist idea or what used to be considered deviant behaviour not so long ago, is anxiety so rampant? Could it be that the mind has to constantly struggle between integrating what it knows to be a lie, while finding ways to denigrate what’s common sense. This state of permanent confusion is the most fertile slump for anxiety.

Having worked with anxious clients, I know that once the object of the anxiety is no longer diffuse but can be named, it dissipates. If, however the enemy can never be seen for what it is, and dealt with rationally, if the lies can never be uncovered, for fear of losing the little imagined or real privilege one has earned, the state of passive confusion spreads. Resignation ensues.

This type of introspection is foreign to the narcissistic (and anxious) personality as they are only looking for who is to blame which is never themselves, until it is the turn of the therapist to be responsible for his discomfort, hence them eventually leaving dispensing some insults on their way out.

I believe that what we are seeing today is a fatal triangulation of

Narcissism

CO-DEPENDENCY

and Lies.

And this is how it started: a long time ago, still during our lifetime, we started learning less and less, each generation became a little less educated than the previous one, and with more indoctrination the ability for critical thinking and common sense was eradicated to make place for a new world of unexamined ideas established to give an oppressed minority some advantage they deserved and could claim. Minorities: gays, women, children, blacks, Jews (these ones get special treatment), muslims….when they ran out, they atomized some more by creating a lot of new letters to identify with your group of oppression.

When times were good, the consequences of a degrading education were not much felt yet. Similarly to encouraging the unlimited growth of the economy, the individual had access to unlimited expansion and self-realization.

As years went by, the word spread that one could be whatever one wanted. Surprisingly, not many chose to become computer scientists or astronomers through hard work, ambition and merit. Instead, it took a sexual turn. One had their “coming out” as gay or lesbian. For a while, we celebrated the courage of these individuals and denounced their repression. Then they took to the streets themselves and proudly paraded what used to belong in night clubs or bedrooms. And we all had to be in awe.

After children were commonly used as labour force during the industrialization, and nobody cared, came the time to protect children’s rights and minds. After being ignored for centuries, they were told that they were all born equal and deserved equal opportunity, equal praise, awards and recognition just for being part of the team. This left the ones who actually facilitated the success through talent and hard work to fade into the anonymity of the team (a.k.a. The Collective) and boredom. But even more detrimental was the fact that the rest secretly knew that the narrative was flawed. The knew they didn’t deserve the accolades just for being a part. And yet, they had to pretend, blow their chest and straighten their shoulders, and accept the plastic medals before the team photo was taken…and they understood that this would get them “love”.

This is how narcissists are born: out of a false or absent sense of who they are based on the lies they have been told, and that they have to believe because their entire life is built on them. The narcissist’s life is based on lies, gaslighting, blaming, flattering and manipulations of all sorts. It is so fragile that it knows no insight gained through experience or introspection, no humility, no recognition of guilt and therefore no apology for the abuse and exploitation that is their lifeline…ever.

In many ways, the narcissist is an addict because, like the addict needs his substance of choice, our narcissist needs his daily dose of praise and acknowledgement that the other has to provide. This is where co-dependency comes along. The praise dispenser does it authentically at first; gets the rewards and the cozy comfort or a safe place to exist provided in exchange of the maintaining and pumping up the narcissist’s self. Eventually, but not always, the enabler discovers the game of deceit they are involved in and they either continue to engage in the abuse and exploitation for fear of loosing their own position of safety, or they leave and have to face losses on different fronts while confronting the fact that they were part of a cynical manipulation game. The choice of most is to keep pretending and be ‘a part of’, in order not to wander the steppes as a lone wolf. Either way, the cost of falling for a narcissist is high.

Narcissism, as can easily be seen, is no longer prevalent in isolation in our society. An unfounded sense of entitlement with no basis in any achievement or merit has become rampant and collective by virtue of declaration. Any Karen Woke can claim to have some authority over you. She feels supported in that by the lack of opposition, critique or resistance, offering her an even more solid path to more of the same. This means that all these imaginary characters that rely on each other to sustain their castle of lies have to create ever more lies. So they go complimenting each other for the most ridiculous and vacuous things like a nail polish colour, handbags, blue hair or a face mask matching the outfit. Anything goes. Anything that shines light on them works.

Years ago, I was driving around with a friend when his mother called. The phone was on loudspeakers, so I could hear both sides of the conversation that ensued: Mum was worried about a financial issue my friend had and decided to involve the brother to help my friend out. She proceeded to call the brother and involve him into the resolution process. She then set a time for the brothers to get in touch and now called to make sure that my friend was aware of his brother’s hockey schedule, how long it would take him to get home, and to be ready for the call.

While she was offering her solution to the problem, all my friend said was “yes, mum”, “sure, mum”, “thank you, mum”… Then she hung up. I was rather astounded at what I had just witnessed, so I asked: “Is your mum always micro-managing your life like this?”. He said “Yes, but nobody cares. We just let her talk and ignore her,” I asked again: “Are you telling me that for the past 50 years you, your brothers and sisters as well as your father have pretended to accept this controlling behaviour of hers, letting her believe that she was the matriarch ruler of the family, and instead of calling her out on it, thereby giving her a chance to change, you have reinforced this trait of hers by lying to her on a daily basis?”. I added: “You have taken her life away from her by letting her play a role that was just a game to you, but defined her identity within the family. How much different could all your lives have been had you all be more honest?”. He could not understand my indignation at such behaviour. I had met his mother and did not find her particular likeable. But that was no reason to accept that for the sake of peace an entire family would resort to such a scheme of lies.

My friend is unfortunately is pathological liar. He lies for the sake of comfort, to get away with failed commitments, he resorts to flattering when caught and distraction games: “Look at the plane in the sky!”. He can’t help but lie to others as well as to himself. The web of lies he is entangled in is so tight that it functions as a corset. Were somebody to loosen or detangle it, the entire persona would fall apart as he would have to acknowledge the extent of the fraud and the absence of a solid frame.

That, by the way, is an example of the not so grandiose narcissist, nevertheless narcissist.

Way back then, I recognized a pattern: They all lie to protect the lie they identify by. To the point where it has become second nature. And today I see it everywhere, and it is not only accepted and normalized, but encouraged by throwing a big cloak of tolerance where no one is judged or criticized, and if one does dare he is immediately assigned the label “offensive” or “judgmental” and sent into the social desert.

By now, it should be obvious that, like the alcoholic or the drug addict, the narcissist and his “audience” are trapped in this eternal waltz where one puts on a mask, the other pretends to not see a mask and starts relating with an actor, which encourages the actor to act some more. All for the sake of not sticking out like the child crying “the emperor has no clothes”. Unlike in the tale, this standing up for the truth will get you cancelled, ostracized or killed nowadays.

The narcissist never changes. The co-dependent partner pretends not to notice for the sake of comfort and convenience, and the lies are the fuel that keeps this theatre alive.

Many keep wondering if they will finally come and apologize for the pain they have inflicted upon those who fell for the manipulation. The family members, childhood friends, colleagues that have cut all communication because they were betrayed. I have bad news for them: A narcissist would rather righteously die with his lies than admit how much pain he caused because of them. Where there is no insight, there cannot be any remorse. In a society that now ubiquitously celebrates any perversion only evil people can conceptualize, and that weak people with no personality of their own will adopt, the stage is set for success and… extinction.

The solution is to not let them get you while you are waiting for them to self-destroy.